Game of Thrones Season 5 Recap, The Rise of the Dead

The last quarter of the 8th episode was literally a nightmare. Did you see Jon Snow’s face, while he was stood in the boat? Something akin to ‘I’m fucked, you’re fucked…ahh shite we’re all fooking fucked man.’

Based on the size of and animosity of the popsicle zombie brigade, I would tend to agree with Jon’s assessment.

Gotta tell ya, I was really annoyed at Reek aka Theon. I know he has had the sap sucked right out of him, and he has become the minion to the dark lord of fetish and flaying.

I know his trauma induced split personality or rather his slave mentality is ingrained so deeply in him he cannot help but act in fear of punishment. It still sucks for Sansa that Reek is such a wet blanket.

And yet, inside me there is still or was still a slither of hope. A faint glimmer of light in the depths of dirt and despair, that a spark of the old Theon may still be in there somewhere. Then again old Theon was a bit of a twerp. I haven’t completely given up on my conspiracy theory about Theon and Yara sending each other coded eye signals, when she was trying to rescue him, but ended up retreating like a nipple on a cold day.

Apparently it looks as if I might be wrong, because the first thing Reek did when Sansa asked him to place a lighted candle in the window of the tower, to signal her distress to any possible saviour, was to run to Ramsey like the whipped treacherous dog he is.

At this point Sansa needs to stop being a weepy-eyed wimpy princess and start being a Stark. Show us some of your genetic material girl, woman up and take a little control of your situation. I don’t think shouting abuse at Reek counts as being tough, despite making him tell the truth about the real fate of the younger Starks.

At least Sansa knows she isn’t the very last Stark now. I have news for ya girly, first it’s Game of Thrones, everyone is potentially dead or on the chopping block, and secondly neither George RR Martin nor Benioff & Weiss like happy characters.

Meanwhile Arya is still training to be a faceless man for the many faced god. Learning to completely imbibe her fake personas and stories.

At the moment she is Lana, seller of oysters and listener of secrets. Not sure what’s up with the German hair and the London accent? Was that the first thing that came to mind when thinking up a convincing costume for a fake oyster salesperson?

I still can’t decide whether the many faced man-god is a bit of a sociopath or a seeker of justice. In the early seasons he seemed to be a hot hero wizardy type. Alluring and dangerous, despite talking about himself in third person all the time. At the moment he is giving off shades of Scientology in a fantasy setting. He does have a room full of dead heads. Just saying.

Back in King’s Landing good old Cersei is being a brilliantly concerned mother-in-law and has gone to degrade visit Margaery. How long has she been down there? I’m sure it was only last episode and yet she looks as if she has been in there for yonks. Looking a bit rough. She is still feisty enough to call Cersei a bitch though.

The Queen of Thorns aka Granny Tyrell has gone to seek justice or any kind of solution from the High Sparrow. He quickly teaches her a lesson in humility. Reminding her of the fact she has no idea how the common people live and what they want. The common people far outweigh the rich, so he poignantly asks her what will happen ‘When the many stop fearing the few.’

Granny Tyrell meets with Littlefinger, and Cersei’s house of cards is set to be shaken and destroyed by the equal distribution of information by Littlefinger. ‘Together we murdered a king, our fates are tied together‘ Such a charmer is our ol’ snake eye Baelish. Oh sorry Olenna, for ensuring the demise of your grandchildren, in return I shall give you Cersei on a silver platter. Nothing like having trustworthy loyal friends is there?

So Cersei also ends up in the Black Cells beneath the keep with a very grumpy female guard. I can’t decide whether to feel sorry for blonde biddy. I know she is a super bitch, but I’m a bit sad (not much, just a bit) she hasn’t been able to achieve better results with all her conniving.

If you’re going to cheat, lie and do anything possible to get your own way, then at least do it properly. Tyrion was right, she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is. I kind of hope she gets to take the guard down though.

I am the Queen, let me go. Look at me, look at my face. It is the last thing you will see before I kill you.

Talking of Lannister’s, Jamie is confronted with teenage obstinacy in the form of Myrcella and her one true everlasting love, whilst Bronn lounges in jail, as only Bronn can. Turns out he has a very nice singing voice, who would have thought it. Our favourite sellsword is actually a minstrel. He also manages to literally almost flirt to the death with one of the Sand Snakes. No rest for the wicked, eh?

Tyrion makes sure his fate is tied to that of Ser Jorah, and is sold by slavers to become the smallest gladiator. Luckily for him he doesn’t get far enough to test his war skills in the arena. Ser Jorah makes sure he is noticed by Queen Daenerys in the fighting pits, and presents her with his gift. The gift being said aforementioned tiny gladiator.

I am the Gift, pleasure to meet you my grace. My name is Tyrion Lannister.

You cannot fault the man, he knows how to make an entrance. Tyrion knows how to reel in his audience ‘We are two terrible children of two terrible kings‘ and Daenerys comprehends how astute he is. The slave turned gladiator is now adviser to the dragon queen, but with a strict wine ration, because she wants him to be able to speak in full sentences. Good luck with that when he is on a bender.

Aside from the fact these two important characters are actually a really good political fit, which makes them or her an even more viable contender for the Iron Throne, there was also one other small, but important moment between the two of them and Ser Jorah. When asked whether she should keep Jorah by her side, Tyrion tells her to send him away, despite the fact he knows Jorah loves and is deeply loyal to Daenerys.

I think Tyrion knows Jorah is a danger to himself and others, because of the Greyscale. Tyrion also realises how susceptible and young the queen is, and how likely it is she will listen to the council of those closest to her. Jorah in his own way is a threat to Tyrion’s new role.

Back in the North Stannis says bollocks to the snow, winter and the possible demise of all his troops.

Much like Ramsey Bolton, who also thinks playing it safe by hiding behind the walls of Winterfell is the wrong way to go, and he sets off with a group of twenty men to wreak havoc on the Baratheon army.

Stannis also tells Melisandre to stick her ideas where the sun don’t shine, when she suggests sacrificing his daughter to the Red God. Finally he resists the persuasive wiles of the Red Witch and says no. Up to this point I thought Melisandre was being nice to Shireen, now I understand the girl is just a walking sacrifice waiting to happen.

In Castle Black the Lord Commander Jon Snow sets of with Wildling Tormund, also known as Red Beard (not really, but when the shoe fits, right?) to convince all the other Wildlings to join forces with the Crows. This suggestion is met with grumbling and disagreement. Red Beard has a teeny weeny anger management issue with one of them, which is quickly resolved by smashing his head in. (Completely with you on that Red Beard. (Can’t be having none of that bla bla bla drivel yap – shut the fuck up feckwit)

Meanwhile, whilst they deal with the Wildlings, in Castle Black Maester Aemon has succumbed to old age and Sam Tarly finds himself increasingly isolated and threatened by the other men in the Night’s Watch.

Sam rescues Gilly from certain rape by two fellow brothers. Well, I say rescue but technically he got the shit kicked out of him and was on the losing side until Ghost turned up and growled a wee bit in the two deviants direction.

Enquiring minds would like to know how Ghost knew he was in trouble or perhaps whether a bit of warging was going on?

To reward Sam, perhaps to comfort him or show him her love, she has sex with him. Sam’s excited state elicits an ‘Oh, Oh my‘ response. Pretty sure he is the GoT version of Eeyore.

Let’s get back to the Wildlings, Jon Snow and the epic ending of the 8th episode Hardhome. Jon offers the helping hand of the Night’s Watch to the Wildlings. They can come through the tunnel, have land and settle, if they will join forces with the Crows to defeat the Army of the Dead when the time comes. Did I mention the Wildings (Northerners) are stubborn as shite? Only a small amount agree to board the boats with Jon and return to Castle Black. He tries to reason with them and make them understand they are sitting ducks, but at least now they are sitting ducks with dragonglass to ward off the White Walkers.

Something’s coming. The only way to describe what happens next. A rumble, a cloud, a sense of darkness approaching. Then suddenly the realisation that the army of White Walkers are on the cliffs above the Wildling camp. Panic ensues as the Wildlings understand what is coming at them at a breathtaking speed.

The gates are closed and many are left to die. Now all of a sudden the Wildlings are in a rush to get on the boats and get the hell out of there. Not so brave and mouthy when the popsicle zombies are heading your way – right?

When the Wildling looked through the hole in the gate I think my face might have contorted in fear. ‘Don’t look through the hole you fool‘ and that gory skeleton scrabbling underneath the gate, just did my head in.

Red Beard convinces Jon to try and hold off the attack to save more Wildlings. Jon realises he has to retrieve the dragonglass to have any chance at all.

In the midst of the struggle a White Walker warrior tries to make mincemeat of Jon, and something odd happens during their battle. A shift in the atmosphere, a change in power and there is a difference. Jon defeats the Walker with…well I have no fucking clue how he did it, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t either.

I think my heart was going hell to leather when those zombies started dropping over the face of the cliff in hoards. I have a great dislike for anything zombie-like. The best part however was when the White Walker walked over to the edge of the water, held out his hands to his side and raised his hands upwards just slightly. He raises his fresh kills, he raises his Army of Dead.

Winter is coming has become obsolete.
Winter is now well and truly here.

Not enough Game of Thrones for you? Read Game of Thrones, Bend the Knee, Game of Thrones, The Bite of the Littlest Lannister Lion, 42 Game of Thrones Chrome Themes, Game of Thrones, The Red Viper Bites, The Mountain Crumbles, Game of Thrones: The Littlest Lannister Lion Roars, Game of Thrones: Here There Be Dragons, Game of Thrones: Historical and Geographical References, What makes Game of Thrones so compelling? or George RR Martin doesn’t hate the Starks.

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