According to Melissa Douthit, owner and operator of Stop the Goodreads Bullies site under the alias Athena Parker, and fellow companion in butt hurt Carroll Bryant, the members of Goodreads are unquenchable bullies to be flayed within an inch of their very lives and the Goodreads site itself is a hot bed of sexual activity that would make Anita Bryant palpitate and Jerry Falwell’s head explode.
With an endorsement like that, I went over to make myself an account at Goodreads; but to my disappointment, it was just a book site and not the promise of free porn and steamy online encounters I was lead to believe. I am not a reader. I like my internet and cable television beautifully bundled. I felt let down but there’s little in the world that beer, barbecue and a little Halo can’t fix, and I set about to making all right with my world again.
That’s when it happened.
I won’t go into the beer-induced Halo moment that was to be my epiphany or the barbecue belch that punctuated its clarity. Suffice to say that’s when I knew that Douthit and Bryant were perfect for each other and should be blissfully united in their shared misery forever.
Although they guard them with a ferocity that strangles starving bears coming out of hibernation, I’ve seen photographs of Douthit and Bryant. While not ugly, neither is attractive. Middle aged, difficult, loud, unhealthy and generally repugnant, rushing headlong into the gulf of a lonely death should appeal to neither of them. So why don’t they just hook up?
Or maybe it’s happening as I type this.
Bryant’s supposedly on his way to a California vacation. He said he’s chasing his dreams. He wants to be a movie star and a country music god. Douthit, a well as a few members of her family, lives in California. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, I see future happiness unfolding. The potential of a truly uptight affair (complete with awkward conversation, bad take out Chinese, sloppy unsatisfactory first kisses and fumbling condoms) bonded in jealousy, grandiosity and revenge would produce more happiness for those two little campers than anything else they’ve known in life. After all, they’ve both endured such hardships: tortured by their own inner demons, taken advantage of by so many people in their lives, bullied as children and adults, and maligned in the press that is the blogger universe.
Doesn’t it make you warm and tingly to know they’re finding comfort in each other’s beefy, wobbly arms? Bingo wings. They’re not just for grandmas anymore. Think about it. Athena and Carz forever. Doesn’t it make your eyes well up with tears? Kind of like when you eat a particularly saucy jalapeno that was hiding between meat slices on your sandwich and it hits you just right or you accidentally smack yourself with a hammer.
But yes, back to the Cult of Goodreads. Horrible, horrid little bullies, all of ’em. Terrible people. Should be flayed. Chatting in forums like their friends and shit. Who do they think they are? Speaking out on blogs against Douthit, Bryant or the Infinitely Butt Hurt when they doc drop, harass and stalk other people. How dare they? Commenting on the latest flavor of crazy that gets thrown their way and laughing at the stupid. Exchanging cyber-sexual notes in a role playing forum and talking about oral sex in public on their Twitter accounts. Defending themselves against attack after attack. Who do these people think they are?
Those Cult of Goodreads people. They should be strapped to panicking horses and dragged behind them through the streets. But what about the rest of us? Everyone else who spoke up against them. All those people who aren’t members of Amazon or Goodreads. What will they do with us? What excuse will they use? Who will they blame?
Fuck it, just blame Gen. That works. Oh shit, no it doesn’t and half the DyTragic Duo’s starting to catch on to the fact that tactic’s always more trouble than it’s worth. Well, they can always hit that “They’re bullies!” button they keep smacking like a masturbating monkey who wants a banana every time they got no other defense for why everyone calls them out on their shit. We’re just bullies, all of us, and it’s time to leave MelCarz alone so they can finally consummate their blessed union.
In the dark. With their eyes shut. And loud music playing so they can’t hear each other.